Peter Griffin: What grinds my teeth about Arsenal [satire]

      

Peter Griffin: What grinds my teeth about Arsenal [satire]

Picture: Logan Zawacki

You know what really grinds my teeth? Arsenal Wenger. Who does he think he is? With his philosophical and diplomatic answers and his long jackets with faulty zippers? Say what you mean, Mr. Wenger, say what you mean…But noo... it has to be about the future, about the feelings of the soccer players, about professionalism…Who does he think he is? A smarty? A big French smarty?

Well, I’ll tell you what the smarty wants…He wants nothin’. He wants nothin’! He has a whole football club named after him, oh, how nice…He’s like this guy from Russia: Stalin. He sits there for twenty years and wants nothing. That really grinds my teeth.

You know what else grinds my teeth? This guy: Silent Stan. Why doesn’t he say anything? He just sits there, watching, like an old lady in a photo from the camera of a French lady student who was too bored sitting at home and came out to take a few pictures of old ladies doing their shopping. Say something Mr. Stan.  Tell us what you like; tell us what you don’t like. Tell us how much money you have and how much you are gonna give. Say something, anything. Silent Kroenke – more like silent Grandma.

You know what else grinds my teeth? That guy Alexis Sanchez. With his dogs and everythin'… running around and having tantrums… Why don’t you run about with your dogs Alexis? Spend some energy, have a freakin chocolate and caramel break. Why can’t you be like that eye-guy, Ozil. He’s Ok, he just sits there, Observing. I would love to spOOn with him if LOis allOws me. He seems like a guy you can talk to about everything. You know, that, JOhn LennOn type. And that Sanchez guy is always ‘I like this, I don’t like that; do this, do that’ – yappy-yappy-do, always nagging… Hitler was a nagger. Sanchez is Hitler. Hey, look at me, I am a big footballer, I know how to play football, and you don’t; come on, do it like me…That really grinds my teeth.

And thirdly, you know what grinds my teeth? This guy Chips Keswick. What sort of a name is that anyway? Chips. Why couldn’t your parents name you Chip or Chapman or Chad? Is he American? We, Americans, invented chips. But we call it fries. Chips Keswick – more like Potato Keswick. Eat well Sir Potato. And what if his wife cooks a nice dinner for him and he’s in the other room:

“Chips, dinner is ready!

“Chips, chips is ready!

“Ketchup or mayo, Chips?”

“What?”

“On your chips …ketchup or mayo…Chips?”

Gees…That really grinds my teeth.

Well, I have to go now. It appears an emergency of a human-nature type has arisen. But before I go, Ha! Ha-Ha! Ha-Ha-Ha!!!

Disclaimer: This is parody piece written for the sole purpose of providing entertainment. It is no way intended to defame or offend anyone in all seriousness. Comparisons are meant to make people laugh and are in No Way representative of the true opinion of the author.

 

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Premier League

P GD Pts
1 Chelsea 33 40 78
2 Tottenham 33 47 74
3 Liverpool 34 28 66
4 Man City 33 28 65
5 Man Utd 33 26 64
6 Arsenal 32 24 60
7 Everton 34 23 58
8 West Brom 33 -3 44
9 Southampton 32 -5 40
10 Watford 33 -17 40
11 Stoke 34 -13 39
12 Crystal Palace 34 -8 38
13 Bournemouth 34 -14 38
14 West Ham 34 -15 38
15 Leicester 33 -13 37
16 Burnley 34 -16 36
17 Hull 34 -31 33
18 Swansea 34 -29 31
19 Middlesbrough 34 -19 27
20 Sunderland 33 -33 21
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