You know what gets my goat in non league football? Well, apart spurious ground grading regulations, inept officiating, and clubs playing fast and loose with the financing rules. It is clubs, well-meaning so often, not utilising the skills base that presents itself to them on a fortnightly basis.

Clubs need fans. Of course they need their monies over the gate, over the bar, at the tea hut. But they need them in other ways, and all too often they are reluctant, unwilling, or simply too pig-headed to ask.

The old cliche of fans ganging together to pay the wages, or paint a fence, is one which we are all far too familiar with. On the one hand you would hope that clubs learn from the errors of those who went before them. But equally there is something “blitz spirit” about everyone rocking up to the ground in mid June to spruce up the changing rooms. And we do it because we want to help, to be part of the club in any small way we can. Non league football is run by volunteers, after all (at least, the *real* non league is).

But why should it stop there? On any given matchday, there will be an assortment of men and women with all manner of skills standing on the sidelines. All with their own lives, true. And not all necessarily willing or able to give their time to the club for free. But it doesn’t have to be free.

If there are builders, get them quoting for ground improvements. If there are painters and decorators, buy their remaindered stock off them for the changing rooms, the clubhouse, the boardroom. Electricians? Sort out the PA. Office workers? Spread a bit of the admin around.

When I helped a non league club a few years ago, I was setting up the Supporters Club, one of the fields we put on the membership form related to the line of work/expertise the individual brought with them. Through that, we found folk to demolish the old dugouts, and rebuild them on the other side of the pitch. We found painters willing to donate paint for the goalposts. We found someone qualified to totally overhaul the clubs’ bookkeeping. We discovered that we had contacts in the drinks industry, a local butcher whom we eagerly tapped up for matchday rolls and pies. We even had a fully qualified FA official standing around, unutilised. What price his half an hour of his time with the first team every now and again?

You may say, quite rightly, that it is easy to find most skills if a FC United crowd, or a Luton crowd. But what if you struggle to get over 50? I would argue that is still 50 people who should be asked. Not asked if they can help, not asked for money, but just asked to think if they can do anything for the club. I live in the heartland of Maggie’s legacy, and old miners are ten a-penny at old miners welfare clubs like Rainworth and Clipstone. Their skills may not be transferable, but their presence could invaluable. Who do they know? By conducting so much of their business behind closed doors, clubs are limiting the pool of people who can help. So often so quick to ask for money, I would argue that time and expertise is much more valuable with non-league football.

Ask, and more often than not, people are happy to help. Sometimes for free, sometimes for “mates rates”. But people assume, laughably, that those who run football clubs know what they are doing. The opportunity to include, rather than exclude, is one that any forward-thinking chairman should be looking at embrace.

Read more from @Beatthefirstman here at Beatthefirstman.tumblr.com

Dartford came close to making the step from the Non Leagues to the Football League on a number of occasions, the last one was in 1974 after they won the Southern League, and reached the final of the FA Trophy.  Ten years later, after the formation of the Football Alliance (basically now the Blue Square Bet Premier), they finished third, the highest place they have finished in their history.  Since then it was a tale of woe that saw them penniless and homeless in a space of a few years.  A nomadic existence followed at places like Erith, Thurrock and Gravesend before a local council with a vision stepped in, finding them a home back in the town.

Not just any old home though.  Must has been written, and awards have been won for the 4,100 capacity Princes Park, just over half a mile away from the old ground (now of course houses) in Watling Street.  You can read all about what makes the stadium so different here but suffice to say its bloody marvellous.  Just a few months before the ground was opened in 2006, Terry Burnham was re-appointed as manager with the club in the lower reaches of the Southern League.  Since they have never looked back, rising through the leagues until they reached the Blue Square Bet South for the start of the 2010/11 season.

This season has been their best yet.  An epic battle with eventual champions Woking went to the last games of the season, whilst average attendances have top 1,200 – the best the club has had for three decades.  But it is still not a finished job.  One game is left.  One game that would shape the season.  One game that would take them back to where they were nearly 40 years ago in that elite group of Non League clubs.

Standing in their way was Welling United from just down the A2.  The Wings themselves were looking to return to the top level of Non League football where they had played for a magnificent fourteen seasons up until 1999/2000 season.  They had a corker of a season as well, finishing in third place under the guidance of highly rated manager Jamie Day.

To say this was the biggest game Kent had seen in years was an understatement.  As soon as the two clubs won their semi-finals against Basingstoke Town and Sutton United respectively, all the talk was of this one.  Tickets went on sale for just 10 hours.  4,100 of them were snapped up, making it the first sell out at the ground since the opening fixture back in November 2006.

Fortunately, CMF had been employed to camp out at the ground all night to be one of the first to get our tickets.  Don’t worry – I made her some soup and bought her a copy of Women’s Own to read.  It didn’t rain that much anyway so all was well as she came home on Wednesday, slammed four tickets on the table and disappeared up to the bedroom.  Danny, Deaks and Dave would be pleased.

Win this game and you would be swapping an away trip in front of 200 to the likes of Weston-super-Mare or Thurrock for Lincoln City, Grimsby Town or Hereford United.  The revenue gap between the two leagues is huge, and that is why it is sometimes a step too far for some clubs, such as Bath City and Hayes & Yeading, although both Dartford and Welling United can take comfort from the excellent progress made by Braintree Town this season in the Premier after promotion.

For such a local game it we were letting the train take the strain.  Just a twenty minute from TBIR Towers to Dartford would give us plenty of time for a spot of culture.  Perhaps a visit up to East Hill to see the site of the former City of London Lunatic Asylum (they called apples, apples back in the day), then onto York Road where the Duke of York surrendered to King Henry VI and finally to Powder Mill Lane, where of course we all remember John Spillman set up the first paper mill in England back in 1588. Alas, we had tried to get access to the little known Dartford Cable Tunnel, which runs under the Thames to Essex and is owned by the National Grid but our request to “leapfrog the Thames” had been flatly refused.  So instead we had to make do with such fine historical establishments as the Malt Shovel, The Wat Tyler and the Rose which was once owned by larger than life Darts player Andy Fordham.

Dartford 1 Welling United 0 – Princes Park – Sunday 13th May 2012
I am always confused as to in which games it is the performance or the result are more important.  This was certainly one game where it was all about the result, which was quite fortunate because as a spectacle it failed to live up to the pre-game hype and the explosive start that Dartford made.

The game had been sold out for days and to be honest we expected some sort of chaos outside the ground.  Being English we of course left the pub with twenty minutes to go and got to the ground with a few minutes to spare.  But it seemed that the vast majority of the 4,088 crowd were already in situ.  For the first time in what seems like months I was going to be watching a game in England with the sun shining.  After all, the cricket season was only 6 weeks old!

As soon as we found a spot on the terrace underneath the big wooden man Dartford took the lead with a goal worthy of winning any play off final.  Lee Noble picked the ball up in midfield after just two and a half minutes, took the ball forward and fired the ball from 25 yards into the bottom corner of the Welling net. Bosh…First blood to the Darts.

One should have been two a few minutes later when the direct approach from the home side saw the ball find Bradbrook unmarked in the six yard box but he headed wide.  Welling then found their rhythm although it was a little bit in the style of Stoke City.  There seemed to be far too many end passes hit long and high to no one in particular and whilst Welling won the half in terms of percentages, the score reflected the chances on goal.

We headed up in the Princess Suite for some half time refreshments.  The licencing laws in this country are truly bizarre.  Whilst beer could be served in this huge bar, blinds were pulled down to stop anyone looking at the game.  You could peer around the edge of the blinds and get a sneak view, but woe betide anyone who tried to raise the blinds even an inch.  Tut tut.  With one of the most exciting Premier League campaigns unfolding on the huge TV screens quite a few fans decided to stay in the bar, meaning we got their front row seats. Nice!

The second half was more of the same.  Welling tried to push forward but the solid Darts defence more often than not repelled borders. Despite player/manager Jamie Day trying to change the rhythm of the game, Dartford looked too strong.

Despite our intention not to let events elsewhere affect our viewing pleasure, it was hard not to keep an interested ear and eye on the top of the Premier League.  Even the Darts players had an interest as one of them asked what the latest scores were when he came over to take a throw, looking in disbelief when we told him QPR were winning at Man City.  Four minutes of injury time were displayed and despite a late rally by the Wings, Dartford held firm and I do not think I have seen anyone run so quick as the referee as he headed for the tunnel, blowing the whistle as he ran down the tunnel.  Good to see solidarity with his linesmen who stayed on the pitch trying to retrieve the ball.

Dartford were promoted.  They had finished second on merit and were now going up to the top level of non league football after a 26 year gap. Manager Tony Burman has very carefully and cleverly built a team that can compete at every level they have played and you can see that some of the work is already in place for next season.

As for Welling? Another great season punching above a number of teams who have more financial resources (Chelmsford City and Havant to name but two).  They would be back I am sure next season when the competitive landscape without Woking and Dartford (and with Bath and Hayes coming in opposite direction) is easier.  But who knows what Non League football will throw up.

But in the middle of that Wembley will host a bizarre game that still defies reason as to why a stadium that costs literally hundreds of thousands of pounds just to unlock the doors would be the venue. The FA Carlsberg Vase Final (ironic name given you cannot drink beer and watch a game in the final) typically gets crowds of less than 10,000 and apart from a “day out” for the clubs involved, it is a strange game to justify. This years final is all the more baffling as it involves two teams who have already played each other four times this season, play in the same league and are barely 30 miles apart in the furthest league away from Wembley Stadium.

On Sunday 13th May West Auckland Town will take on Dunston UTS not in front of the 140-odd who saw their last meeting this season but a figure of close to 10,000. They met early in the season in the FA Cup twice as well as in the league with the scores on the door at one win each and two draws.

Is there any real need to expect the fans to make the 600 mile round trip for this game? Couldn’t some sensibility be used here? Surely if the FA deemed the final should be at Wembley then play it on the Saturday as part of a double header with York City and Newport County, who will be competing for the FA Trophy in front of around 25,000. Alternatively, why not play the game at St James’ Park or the Stadium of Light which would undoubtably provoke more local interest and a significantly bigger crowd.  During the “Inbetween” years of 2000 and 2006 the final was played around the country at Villa Park, White Hart Lane, St Andrews and Upton Park.

The FA dictate the minimum ticket price for these games and the £25 that adults will be charged for the game is a 500% mark up on the regular admission price for a game at either side. Part of these receipts will flow back down to the clubs, but as much as if the final would have been played in the North East? St James’ Park and the Stadium of Light would be good venues and still give the teams involved a Premier League venue and probably a good few thousand on the gate.

Anyway, what about the two teams involved at Wembley this Saturday? One is automatically drawn to the romantic story of West Auckland Town, who have a very good claim to be the first ever World Cup winners.

Back in the early years of the 20th century there was no international competition between nations outside of the Olympic games. A jolly Englishman by the name of Sir Thomas Lipton, the creator of the Lipton’s Tea brand, had the brainwave of a tournament featuring the best club sides from some of Europe’s biggest footballing nations. He floated the idea to the Italians, Germans and Swiss and they agreed to send Torino, Stuttgarter Sportfreunde and FC Winterthur to the tournament in Turin. Unfortunately the FA refused to nominate anyone, so Lipton invited a team of coal miners from the village of West Auckland in County Durham (to this day the reason is still unknown why they were chosen by Lipton). They accepted and went onto win the Sir Thomas Lipton Trophy by beating first the Germans and then the Swiss team in the final.

Two years later they were invited back to retain their trophy which they did by demolishing Juventus 6-1 in the final, taking the cup back to the North East where it remained until it was stolen in 1994. As part of the 100th anniversary of the win in 1909 West Auckland took on Juventus again, although their contrasting fortunes since the original tournament meant it was their under20’s side that lined up against the Englishmen, running out easy 7-1 winners.Their amazing tale was made into a TV film starring the likes of Richard Griffiths, Tim Healy and Dennis Waterman in the mid 1980’s.

Debts forced the original team to disband and reform as the current entity in 1914 and since then they have been a feature of the Northern League. Their golden era was in the early Sixties where they won the Northern League and Cup double in 1959/60 and reached the final of the FA Amateur Cup where they lost to Walthamstow Avenue at Wembley Stadium in front of a crowd of 45,000.

Whilst Juventus today make do with games against AC Milan, Napoli and Roma, West Auckland have rivalries with Bedlington Terriers, Billingham Synthonia and Jarrow Roofing. And of course Dunston UTS.

The Fed as they are known, used to be called Dunston Mechanics and Dunston Federation Brewery before an agreement with current sponsors, the engineering firm UTS Ltd who also sponsor the ground (The UTS Stadium no less). Their history is none so glamorous as West Auckland’s having only been formed in 1975. Two back to back Northern League titles in 2004 and 2005 (as well as winning the Northern League Cup in the same years) have been their best achievements although due to grading issues they have not been able to take their place in the Northern Premier League structure.

Both sides can lay claim to very good league campaigns.  West Auckland finished just two points off top spot in 2nd place, whilst Dunston were a place and five points behind, although few other leagues could boast the points tally of the top three being on average 92.6 and over 2.2 per game.  But the Wembley tie will be the biggest in either club’s history.  There is also the reputation of the North East to bear in mind in the FA Vase, with the trophy being held in the past three years by Whitley Bay.  In fact their loss to West Auckland ended a run of 29 games and 1,420 days without defeat – a record in this competition.

Photos thanks to Andy Hudson’s Gannin’ Away website

• Create partnerships between Premier/Football League clubs and local Non League clubs
• Play the county cup competitions at the end of the season
• Flexibility on when the leagues end
• All non league clubs to offer free entry to Under 16s
• Allow alcohol to be drunk on the terraces
• Play the FA Trophy and Vase as a double header on the same day at Wembley Stadium
• Make Non League Day a permanent feature in the calendar
• Alleviate the financial catch 22 of promotion
• Scrap the ground grading farce

In the twenty four hours before the game the good luck messages started streaming into the club.

“Good luck, fellas. Win or lose, play-offs or not, it’s been a terrific season. But stay off the pies and Harveys until full-time.”

“Good luck and whatever happens thanks for a memorable season and hopefully both the players and management remain for next year.”

“Come on you lovely lot, we’re right behind you! Possibly eating chips & drinking beer, but supporting you all the way. COYR!”

“from a new found supporter and now owner, all of Rome is behind you! Good luck and do what you do best, win Ciao, a presto!”

Even the rain that had blighted Southern England could not dampen the spirit of the fans.  The pies were ready, the beer had been poured.  Our bumper end of season programme was selling like hot cakes (have a look for yourselves here) and our club shop had been decimated like a pack of locusts by the fans wanting their Rooks merchandise.  After a week of remarkable football scores in the Champions League that had seriously upset the odds, was there going to be one final twist that would cause shock waves across the Ryman League?  Only time would tell.  That and constant refreshing of Non League Live.

Lewes 4 Harrow Borough 2 – The Dripping Pan – Saturday 28th April 2012
The rain fell, the pies were all eaten, the programmes were all snapped up.  Over 1,000 fans braved the elements to cheer on Simon Wormull’s team as they made light work of Harrow Borough.  If results elsewhere had gone our way then it would have been the perfect afternoon.  But they didn’t.  However, not one fan, player or club official could have a bad word or a “what if” after the last few weeks.  Five wins out of the final six is title winning form, and whilst we will look on this week whilst the play offs start, Worms will commence the task of building a squad to take that form into next season.

This had been a season of mixed emotion that at one point looked as if it would go off the rails.  And whilst in the end our league position could have been 6th or 16th, everyone came away with a smile on their faces as we saw a bunch of players put the pride back into the badge.  In addition we had a fantastic Youth Team as well as the record breaking Ladies Team who will next season be doing battle with the likes of West Ham United and Tottenham Hotspur, just one level below the elite of English football.

So all we needed was a win plus Tooting or Concord to win.  And after 10 minutes it couldn’t have gone any worse.  Harrow Borough, despite having a player sans shorts as the elastic broke in true Are You Being Served style, went ahead after just 97 seconds whilst most of us were still at the bar.  Jon-Jo Bates put the visitors ahead, and a few minutes later we heard that Wealdstone had gone ahead, and then so did Bury Town (and for good measure so did Hendon and Canvey Island – other teams who could finish above Lewes.  We were fighting for 4th place but could finish in 8th.  That wasn’t in the plan.

But then things started to look up.  Twenty five minutes gone and another Lewes corner is floated in.  Paul Booth reacts the quickest and shows that despite his years he still hasn’t lost it and its 1-1.  Five minutes later and another header from a set piece, this time from Chris Breach, put the Rooks ahead.  To celebrate, Lolly arrived with the pies, and Concord arrived with an equaliser at Wealdstone.  Lewes were now one Concord goal, or Twenty nine Lewes ones away from a play off spot.

At half time the scores elsewhere basically saw an end to our play off hopes.  Bury Town were 4-1 at hapless Tooting, and Concord were hanging on at Wealdstone.  But that meant we needed to restock with some Harveys.

The final 45 minute push started and soon Lewes were 3-1 up when Nathan Crabb kept up his remarkable record of scoring in the opening five minutes of another half.  Three became four when Paul Booth was brought down by the keeper and he converted the spot kick.  For the first time this season the Rooks looked totally rampant.  Unfortunately, so too were Bury Town, Hendon and Canvey Island as they were winning 7-1, 7-1 and 5-0 respectively.  Oh and Wealdstone had scored a third.

Time for plan B then.  Harvey’s and lots of it.  Harrow scored a consolation, although for once it wasn’t in injury time and at the final whistle everyone to a man stood and applauded the team.

So there we are.  Another season has come to an end.  Football is not life or death and despite what a certain Mr Shankly once said, it is not more important than that.  But being in a place, surrounded by family and friends, enjoying the banter, the food and the drink – well that is more important than football. My first as a Director of a football club, one where I had been subject to terrace taunts early in my tenure, but ended with members buying me beer.  Not a bad old life really.

Sean Ingle, of the Guardian, made a very valid point on the Football Weekly podcast about the failure of the referee to send off Peter Cech.  In betting terms the odds would have changed dramatically with a goal keeper being dismissed.

But that was then and this is now.  For me the FA Cup today means that there is just one game before we can start the whole magic again.  I cannot wait for that day in July when the Extra-Preliminary round draw will be made.  Then operation Non League will start again in earnest.  I will be dialling up my good friends The Real FA Cup and planning on where we can hit this season.

Last season our travels took us to Cheshunt in the late summer sunshine, Chertsey Town in the pouring rain to see Lewes demolished by a lower league side, a spicy Monday night affair at Beckenham Town and a seven-goalfest at Burnham.  Every single one of the games was tip top.

Every year we set off trying to do the road to Wembley, following a game in every round.  One year we got as far as the 1st round, having got 6 games under our belt.  We had ended up with Grays Athletic as our team and then they drew Carlisle United away.  Sod that and off to Upton Park we went instead.  Some have achieved such greatness as Andy Ollerenshaw and we doff our cap to him for sticking with it all the way to Weymouth and back.

The magic of the FA Cup for us is not the pyrotechnics, the playing of Rockin’ All Over The World or the crap suits worn by the players.  To us the magic of FA Cup final day disappeared with our youth.  We remember being able to buy the official programme in WH Smiths on the eve of the game, fans with rosettes, FA Cup Final Question of Sport, Saint and Greavsie on the team coaches to Wembley and that Princess woman who every year drew the short straw of giving the cup to the winning captain.

So we will be counting down the days until the likes of Pilkington XXX, Southend Manor and Oxhey Jets are on my “to do” list for next season.  Perhaps next year will be the one I make it all the way to Wembley…although it is more than likely just to be Vale Farm, home of Wembley FC and Hendon in the shadow of the great arch.

A trip to Canvey Island on a wet, wild and windy April afternoon probably doesn’t feature in any Top 100 Days Out in England programmes, but for Lewes fans it was going to be THE place to be.  Through a combination of favourable results and some excellent performances, the Rooks came into the second to last game of the season still in the play off spots.  Granted Wealdstone and Cray Wanderers had games in hand, and the momentum was with The Stones, especially after their 6-0 away at keeper-less Tooting & Mitcham United in the week, but every manager knows it is better to have points in the bag than games in hand (that is unless you are the team with games in hand).

So this was our last away trip of a long season that had started for some of us back in early July with a friendly away at St Neots Town.  Fortunately, our hosts Concord Rangers had just ruled themselves out of the fight for the play offs and so they would simply open the front door and allow us to have the run of the house, right?  That is what normally happens isn’t it?  Perhaps they would also put a striker in goal for us like Tooting?  What are the odds of that?

It has been a good season.  I had nearly achieved my aim of visiting every Ryman Premier League ground, although there was still hope that a play off place and a victory in the first game COULD take Lewes up to Bury Town which was my one and only missing visit (I was in Rome at the derby when Lewes visited back in March) and enjoyed every single one.  There is nothing like turning up at a new ground to see the same faces, drinking the same beer and talking about the same things week in, week out.  Familiarity never breeds contempt in these circles.

And what would replace my travels over the summer?  Well, not that I was counting but it was only going to be 69 days after the final league game of the season before Lewes would be running out at Donkey Lane in the final of the Supporters Direct Shield against Enfield Town, and I did have a few little trips up my sleeve (Zagreb AND Belgrade derbies in same weekend thank you very much), so add in a few Rugby League games and a trip or two to the Touring Cars then I am sure I wouldn’t miss my fix.

This was Lewes’s first ever trip to Concord Rangers.  The club have risen like a ghoul in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video through the local leagues since being formed back in 1967.  They finally gained promotion to the Ryman League back in 2008 after twice being denied entry for winning the Essex Senior League.  Two years ago they won promotion from the Ryman North and competed at this level for the first time last season, finishing comfortably in 8th place.  They are an ambitious side, living within their means at the end of a leafy lane in rural Canvey Island.  Very Terry & June it is two – well apart from the huge caravan park on one side of the ground, and the massive oil storage site on the other.

The club are one of a rare few that have joint managers, who are both called Danny. In fact it seems to be the pre-requisite to be called Danny if you are employed by the club with top scorer Danny Heale, reserve manager, Danny Clare and Danny Boy.  Last season we visited them for the El Grande Islande Classico, aka the local derby versus Canvey Island. Whilst the Island, only has 37,000 people living on it, it has happily supported two teams who have a friendly rivalry for a couple of decades.  There was some paper talk earlier this season of a potential merger, but that is all it seemed to be.  Obviously it was a slow day in the Lobster Smack, the pub made famous by Charles Dickens in Great Expectations and our first port of call for the day.

The Beach Boys (now do you get the musical intro?  Good Vibrations by the Beach Boys) had deemed this last game of the season a celebration of all that is good with football, and so admission was free, with an optional donation to a local charity.  A nice touch from a club I have always enjoyed dealing with.

I picked up the LLF at South Benfleet, the nearest railway station to Canvey Island.  Deaks and Dave had packed their holiday bags – after all it wasn’t often we get to go to on an island holiday.  We headed down to the Lobster Smack for a pre-match stiffener.  ”Have you got any ales on?” asked Terry.  ”No, sorry luv”.  ”Do you have a TV?” Joel asked, hoping to catch the end of the Arsenal game.  ”Yes, darling…..but it ‘asn’t worked since that switchover thing last week”.  Fortunately they had plenty of flat warm Carling for us.

We headed for the ground after the heady heights of the Lobster Smack.  In the ideal world we could have walked there from the pub.  After all, it was just half a mile away.  Alas in between the pub and the ground was a dirty great oil depot, with its razor wire topped fences, big dogs and unfriendly security.  We did offer to do our bit for the environment.

Concord Rangers 2 Lewes 3 – Thames Road – Saturday 21st April 2012
Two weeks ago Lewes were denied one of the clearest penalties you will ever see in the game versus Aveley.  That penalty decision in the nil nil draw could eventually be the difference between a play off spot and not..  But today on Canvey Island that injustice was righted to an extend when referee, Lee Venamore gave the softest of penalties in the last ten minutes which Harry Harding converted and led Lewes to their fifth win in seven games.

Whilst Lewes have had a bad habit of conceding in injury time this season, they also have a great habit of scoring very early.  And today was no different.  Just 93 seconds were on the clock when Chris Breach, again holding the midfield together, put the ball through to the red hot Nathan Crabb and his lob from distance bounced into the empty net causing Roger to almost drop his burger.

Unfortunately because of the precarious position of the league we probably spent more time in the first half looking at scores elsewhere than the Lewes performance.  Everything was almost going our way.  Almost.  But then we forgot the fact we actually needed to hold onto the lead and despite Ingram hardly being troubled in the first thirty minutes (bar one shot he let go that hit the post), all of a sudden Concord Rangers were level when a harmless ball eluded the Lewes defence allowing the Beach Boys to equalise (probably scored by a Danny).

That goal wasn’t in the script and we headed to the bar at half time downcast, especially as the results around us were in our favour.  But the reason why we love football is that it can change in a heartbeat.  And so just fifty seconds into the second half we were back on cloud nine as Paul Booth jinked, shot, the keeper could only parry the shot and Nathan Crabb was on hand to score.  High fives all round.

But the lead didn’t last long.  Concord refused to lay down and equalised with a brilliant free kick.  The fate of our season was once again in doubt.  But then the officials took over.  Substitute Hopkinson seemed to over run the ball in the area and a defender muscled in front of him to shepherd the ball out.  Hopkinson fell, the referee pointed to the spot.

With Paul Booth off the pitch, one of the youngest in the team took responsibility.  Harry Harding blasted the spot kick home and ran to Cynical Dave to celebrate.  Or is that Cuddles Dave from now on – the players cuddler by choice.

Concord were quite rightly furious, and in the ensuing moments they lost one of their managers (at a guess, called Danny) for his protestations.

We willed the final whistle and when it came the sense of relief that washed over the traveling fans and players alike was huge.  Wealdstone, Hendon and Canvey had all won, meaning the final play off line up would go down to the last day of the season.  Who would have thought that six weeks ago when the team had lost away to Bury Town, relegating them out of the play offs, they had gone eight league games without a win.  Since then the Rooks had played ten games, winning seven and drawing two.  Ninety minutes is now all we have left, to dream what might be.

One, two, three, four…Essex has the sunshine, and the girls all get so tanned. I dig a french bikini on Canvey Island dolls, by a palm tree in the sand.
 

Every football team in every season has one defining event, the moment that decides the fate of the team, the players, the manager and the club. That moment may be a refereeing decision, a piece of individual brilliance or simply a team collectively not turning up on the day. But you can look back at the history books and find that compelling event. In this season’s Premier League there have been many, but if Manchester United take the title, many will point to the events of Easter Sunday as that moment when United got a fortuitous refereeing decision in their game versus QPR and then a few hours later Mikel Arteta’s last minute winner for Arsenal against Manchester City all but ended their challenge.

But for Lewes that moment still hasn’t really happened yet, or so we think. We could point to the last minute equaliser at home against Lowestoft Town, or Billericay Town’s 93rd minute winner in March. But with games running out perhaps the most defining moment was going to come at Hayes Lane, BR2 when the Rooks were going to take on Cray Wanderers. Fifth place taking on sixth, separated by just one point. A draw would open the door for Hendon, Wealdstone or Canvey Island; defeat for the Rooks would almost spell the end of the play-off charge; a win for Cray would see them with a foot in the end of season lottery.

The mood around the club had been improving almost every day since mid January. The all conquering Lewes Ladies, the Rookettes, had secured the South East Combination title some weeks ago and would be welcoming the likes of West Ham, Queens Park Rangers and Tottenham Hotspur to the Dripping Pan.  In addition they had the small matter of the Ryman Cup final next week versus Eastbourne Town. The Youth team are one game away from winning the Ryman League South (albeit they have to play the team who are top, away and win by three clear goals).  And then there is the first team.

Cray Wanderers continue to surprise me.  They are a tiny club in comparison to the likes of Lowestoft Town, Wealdstone or Lewes.  They ground share with Bromley FC, have average attendances of 193 this season and rarely take more than a Smart car full of fans to away games.  Yet, just like last season, they are still in with a shout of promotion via the play offs.

The club also dream of “going back home”.  When they were founded back in 1860 by workers building the railway line through Kent they were the third oldest club in the world.  Quite who they played during this period is unknown as the two others were local neighbours Sheffield FC and Hallam.  For those unfamiliar with the area, the Cray is a river than used to run from the Thames Estuary, close to Dartford and down towards Bromley.  However, the club have not been able to find a home back in this area for decades.  Hope is on the horizon though and they are planning on developing a site in Star Lane and have made an excellent video about their plans.

But today playing at Hayes Lane, Bromley suited me fine.  A short journey 15 minutes from TBIR Towers and I was in the quite bizarre Barrel and Hole in Bromley High Street.  £5.15 for a pint of Innis and Gunn wasn’t the first surprise – that was reserved for the prevalence of rocking chairs instead of normal chairs and big luggage cases instead of tables.  Quite a strange choice to meet the rest of the Lewes Lunatic Fringe in.  So much so than they took one look of the picture I tweeted and headed into Weatherspoons opposite the station.

Cray Wanderers 0 Lewes 1 – Hayes Lane – Saturday 14th April 2012
Current form doesn’t lie and so coming into this game Lewes were top of the table from the last eight games.  And bizarrely at the end of 90 minutes they had dropped down into third place despite another excellent win on the road.  It certainly was a game of two halves as Lewes dominated the attacking play in the first half, and showed strength at the back in the second.  One Ian Draycott header was enough for all three points and finally, after months of downward trending, push the Rooks back into the play off zone.

There was two surprise guests when we arrived at the ground.  First up was Current Mrs Fuller, who had manage to escape from Littlest Fuller duties for an afternoon and thought she would spend some time with the man of her dreams.  But he was busy so she came along to football (boom-boom).  And then in the bar was none other than Steve King, ex-Lewes manager who had come along to cheer the team on (I would imagine).

Lewes started the more positive of the two teams, with young Charlie Leech slotting in a full back instead of Kamara and Chris Breach back in midfield.  For the first twenty minutes the ball hardly left the Cray Wanderers half, although there were few chances.  However, it was inevitable that a goal would come and sure enough on 25 minutes it was the Rooks who took the lead when Ian Draycott stooped to head home with ease after a well worked move involving Harding and Crabb.

It should have been two or three by half time with Crabb and Booth both going close, testing the Cray keeper, whilst Matt Ingram at the other end could have had a wander into the Town Centre such was the threat on his goal.

The second half was really a battle of the midfields, with Lewes’s unlikely pairing of centre-back Chris Breach and centre-forward Ian Draycott dominating the play.  Nathan Crabb was the star again, simply for his continuous running and chasing and he was unlucky not to double the score when Harry Harding’s free kick fell at his feet but for a great save by the Cray keeper.

The clock ticked down and we amused ourselves by looking at the score at Upton Park where Brighton had been hit for six.  I mean, who would fancy paying £45 for that type of privilege as an away fan eh Mr Last? (Especially if you have to sit in the home end to witness it).  Other results started filtering through before the 90 minutes were up in our game.  Wins for Bury Town, Wealdstone, Canvey Island and Hendon took the gloss of this victory for Lewes, but even still, the win pushed us into 5th place and come the end of the season that would be enough to go into the play offs.

Two weeks to go and next up would be a trip to the seaside to visit the Beach Boys at Concord Rangers.  Time to get out the fancy dress I think.

“Well I want you to understand somethin’. To me, being perfect is not about that scoreboard out there. It’s not about winning. It’s about you and your relationship to yourself and your family and your friends”

So much pressure is put on sports players to perform. Win at all cost seems to be the motto at all levels of the game we should love. And why should we love it? Because it at the end of the day it is supposed to be a past time, something to enjoy, to relieve our stress of an ever increasing hard life. But there is more to life than the pursuit of winning. There is enjoyment.

Relevance? Well ask any of the 600 or so Lewes fans how much they enjoyed the second half of the game versus Hendon last week. Whilst the last few minutes were nervous to say the least, the outstanding display from the team in the opening period of the half was scintillating. Attacking football, played with heart, passion and belief is all that our fans can hope for.

I have been brought up watching West Ham. The Academy. Brooking, Devonshire, Di Canio. Happy to be losing 4-3 than grinding out a 1-0 win. That is why so many people used to consider the Hammers their second team. But all of that has changed now – money has become more important than enjoyment and so it is all about the result and not the performance. And that is why I get my kicks at the likes of Aveley’s Mill Field, one of the least aesthetically pleasing grounds we will come across on our tour of the Ryman Premier League this season.

Looking up Aveley on the internet, you can find very little information. Apparently it is named after Aelfgyth’s wood clearing, although quite who or what Aelfgyth is or was is not known. It sort of blends in with Thurrock, Purfleet and Rainham just north of the Thames close to the Dartford Crossing. The club not only have to fight for fans with the dozen or so non league teams within a 15 minute drive but also West Ham, Dagenham & Redbridge and Arsenal. It is no wonder then every season they can survive without sliding backwards is celebrated.

But the good times were about to take a bit of a dent. Any other result against Lewes and they would be re-acquainting themselves with the Ryman League North next season, whilst Lewes could just put themselves into the race for the final play off spot.

The last few days had been spent in the TBIR Northern HQ in Lincoln where we had taken in Darts (PDC Premier League in Nottingham), Rugby League (Doncaster and Wakefield) and finally Barnsley before we headed back down south before the Little Fullers started speaking funnily. A quick drop off at the dream factory and I was back across the Thames to Aveley. The car park wasn’t exactly overflowing and walking into the club house saw only a group of the usual Lewes away support, and few home fans.

Aveley 0 Lewes 0 – The Mill Field – Saturday 7th April 2012
Football should not be a results-based business.  Remember I said that at the start of this tale?  Well when you are doing everything to score what would be a winning goal against an already-relegated team whilst all of the teams around you are losing then it is all about the result.  Enjoyment needs to take a back seat to a goal, any goal.  The fickle world of contradiction.

An hour after the game had ended all square and Aveley’s relegation had been confirmed, it was again a bitter taste of what could have been in the mouths of the Lewes fans.  Matt Ingram in the Rooks goal did not make one save in the ninety-odd minutes, whilst at the other end the Aveley keeper had a great game, stopping numerous chances when the Lewes players realised where the goal actually was.  But what if….A single goal would have taken Lewes above Hendon and Cray Wanderers into a play off spot.  And with a game against Cray next week, promotion could have been a step nearer reality.

But somedays it is not meant to be.  The game kicked off with no more than one hundred fans in the ground, with nearly half of them following the Rooks.  On such a huge playing surface and with the wind blowing across from the Thames estuary any opportunity the Rooks had to play the ball to feet was limited.  Far too often the ball was lofted into the area, with Aveley’s keeper dominating his six yard box.

The second half saw Lewes getting closer and closer.  The Aveley keeper seemed to dislocate a finger yet he still managed to keep all borders away.  Draycott fired into the side netting, Booth almost headed home with a spectacular leap and Ben Billings should have earnt Lewes a penalty when he was clearly felled in the area but the referee, struggling with the size of the pitch, was so far behind play that he was still in the Lewes half when the challenge was made.

Simon Wormull brought himself on as time ticked away and nearly broke the deadlock with a stinging strike near the end but at the final whistle it was the Rooks who seemed to be the relegated team as they bowed their heads, knowing that a massive chance to move into the play offs and have their fate in their own hands had slipped away.

Football is supposed to be enjoyable, but on days like these it is really all about the scoreboard out there.

House prices around the town are some of the highest in the south east. The town sits almost on the crest of the High Weald, which all of you Geography A-Level students will know is the chalk inner core of what was once a domed plateau that extended into France. Today, pavement cafes and smart shops line the Pantiles, the famous historical part of the town centre and four by fours park badly in the car parks. The town has one of the highest Daily Mail readership rates and it was here that the acronym NIMBY was created.

A five minute walk from the town centre will find you at the Nevill Ground, one of the most picturesque cricket grounds in England, where Kent bring the county roadshow every year. But the team, whisper it quietly, also has a football team. Kent Premier League Tunbridge Wells have actually been around for 125 years, but play on the furthest reaches of the town in the Culverden Stadium. I am sure the town is proud of its football team but they have a funny way of showing it.

I had spotted an opportunity to sneak in a new ground visit late in the day – in fact around 6pm when I was on the train home. I knocked up a quick chicken risotto with a creamy pepper sauce for CMF, made her a cup of tea and then asked if I could go in the name of research. “Of course you can darling” was the answer I expected but instead I got a look that said “it’s pissing with rain, you have been moaning about how much work you have to do AND you haven’t packed for going away tomorrow. Oh and you are going to six games in the next seven days”. I am not an expert in body language for nothing you know. But I made those puppy eyes and I was off. Tunbridge Wells v Herne Bay here I come!

Herne Bay have been the stand out team of the Kent Premier League this season. In fact they had a pretty good season last time out as well, finishing runners up to the outstanding Hythe Town. In fact they probably would have pushed them closer if it wasn’t for Town’s FA Cup run to the first round which netted them over £30,000 in prize money, enabling them to strengthen their squad just when it came down to the wire. But this season they vowed to go one better, with the sole aim being promotion to the Ryman League. It looks like they will achieve that goal, but in the process they also came within one goal of an appearance at Wembley Stadium, a feat still not achieved by over 50% of the current Premier League.

Last Saturday The Bay travelled a long way north to West Auckland to play in the second leg of the FA Vase semi-final. Having drawn the first leg at Winch’s Field 2-2 in front of over 1,800 fans, they went in hope that they could win the game and the tie in the North East. Alas they lost 2-1 and the dreams of a visit to the grand arch disappeared in the Fog on the Tyne. But the cup run will have improved the bank balance no end and could be very useful in the close season assuming they hold their nerve at the top of the table.

This game was certainly going to be a major test. Not only would they be tested to see how they had recovered from the disappointment of the Vase defeat but Tunbridge Wells were one of a number of teams who fancied the runners-up spot in the league – because you never really know what the Ryman League will decide in the summer and there is always hope that a team could be expelled for not having the right width path around the pitch (hello VCD Athletic 2010) and two teams may be promoted.

Tunbridge Wells had actually experience in playing higher up the non-league ladder. Back in the 1960’s the club played in the Southern League, even reaching the FA Cup First Round where they played Brighton & Hove Albion. But since then they have had to do with life in the Kent Premier League. They do have one major claim to fame though. On Wednesday 31st August 2005 they took on Littlehampton Town in the FA Cup Preliminary Round and after 120 minutes of football, the scores were still level. So at 10.25pm penalties commenced. At 11.15pm they eventually finished. Forty spot kicks were taken to eventually see Tunbridge Wells win 16-15 in what is still a record in European football.

Last season the club made progress on a number of fronts, scoring over 100 goals as they had great cup runs in the FA Vase and FA Cup as well as a mid-table finish. Hopes were high for this season, and with a month to go they are focused on that 2nd place spot.

This was a new visit for me and I was a little worried when the SatNav direct down a long country lane. Middle England? That was positively the countryside. Dense trees surrounded the ground, and with an almost full car park it was obvious that the locals had abandoned the sofa and Barcelona v AC Milan for a tasty Kent derby (in theory all games in the Kent Premier League are derbies though).

Tunbridge Wells 0 Herne Bay 2 – Culverden – Tuesday 3rd April 2012
If this game would have been played 24 hours earlier you could argue that Herne Bay wouldn’t have won, but two rain-induced moments in a space of four second half minutes won them this game and in the process gave Wells’s keeper a night to forget.

The heavy rain had delayed by arrival at the ground as there was a protest in Southborough on the way down. The locals were protesting that the hosepipe ban about to be enforced would hamper their chances to win Middle England’s best kept lawn competition (or was it that you didn’t leave home in time – ED). Still, after paying my £6 there was enough time for a Spitfire. When isn’t there time for a pint of Shepherds Neame’s finest. The bumper crowd (over 200 which is almost three times the average for the rest of the league) didn’t let a small matter of rain spoil their enjoyment either as they chose the terrace instead of the stand for their viewing spot.

The ground is certainly rustic. On one side it is just huge trees. Behind one goal it was just fields, stretching up to the High Weald. One low main stand of a few rows of seating and a few steps of covered terrace sandwiched the dressing rooms and the VIP area (metal chairs as favoured by England fans circa Charleroi circa June 2000 if I am not mistaken). Perfect for this level, although you would feel that the fussy Ryman officials would have something to say about it if and when they apply for entry to the higher league (after all they turned down Whitehawk’s request to use the Withdean in Brighton which had been used for League football by Brighton & Hove Albion for years).

The players took some time to re-introduce themselves to playing in wet conditions. I cannot remember the last time I saw a game played in the rain in England and it made a novel change to stand in the rain to watch. Both teams were committed to say the least and the referee, whilst a bit fussy, did well to control the game. The first half was one of little action though, the best moment coming when Tunbridge Wells hit the underside of the bar after a scramble in the area.

The second half, and the game, was defined by a four minute period just after the start of the half. In the fiftieth minute a long through ball over the top of the Tunbridge Wells defence and picked up pace off the slippery surface. Unfortunately the Wells keeper had already come charging out of his area and the bounce took him by surprise and he missed the ball, leaving the on-rushing Ashley Baverstock the easiest job of tapping into an empty net.

Four minutes later and it was 2-0. A free kick just inside the Wells half was floated into the area by Michael Jenner and it caught everyone by surprise including the keeper as it sailed over his head into the top corner.

The rest of the half was spent by Tunbridge Wells hopefully looking back into the game. Their fans were certainly vocal on the terrace behind the goal, urging them to “go for the kill zone” and then the bizarre shout of “Let’s beat them with our superior sexuality”. I have no idea what that meant or what it was supposed to encourage but whatever it was it didn’t work – the game ended 2-0.

It had been a pleasant distraction from the Champions League. I had backed Barcelona and Bayern both to win, and could leave happy that I had made some modest money that paid for my visit to Middle England. Until we meet again I bid you farewell.